don't tell a soul --

[annalie katarina of sweden]

Annalie's Journal!
KEEP OUT

"Got a secret, can you keep it?
Swear this one I'll save;
Better lock it in your pocket,
Taking this one to the grave."

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[annalie katarina of sweden]

september first, 2010

Dear Diary,

Mother gave me this journal to "write my thoughts in"...she says I look too stressed and worried all the time, but who wouldn't be? If you're to be Queen in a short five years or so, you would be too. It's the first day back at Vineheart, and the first day of my last year at the academy. I'm both relieved and sad; this place is full of drama and that makes it dreadful, but I also know that once we leave this place, I'll probably never have time to see the other nobles that I have befriended. Part of me wishes that I had younger siblings to keep me entertained, but Mama and Papa had such a hard time just having me that that seemed impossible. It wouldn't even matter now, not with Papa gone. I know Mama still hurts because I see it in her eyes whenever she looks at me, whenever she sees Papa's blue eyes staring back at her. She hurts when March passes and their anniversary goes with it, and he's not there to celebrate it with her. If Papa hadn't been so damned caught up in flying airplanes when he wasn't even a talented pilot, then he wouldn't be gone. He wouldn't leave Mama and I to ignore the grief and never touch the subject. Ever. I know it's not his fault but sometimes it feels as if it is, as if it was his fault for losing control. But it isn't.

I just wish I could have said goodbye.

I know Mama is trying to come to terms with her sorrow; I see her eyes get stronger and her smile become more genuine as the years go by. So what's my excuse?

This is ridiculous. You're just papers binded together. You have no response. This is idiocy, I'm not turning into one of those girls that clings to a thoughtless book because it contains their heart.

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[annalie katarina of sweden]

february sixth, 2011

Dear Diary,

Wow. It's been QUITE a while since I last wrote in here. I almost forgot I had this thing.

Anyways. I don't know what to think anymore. Life is getting harder and my last year at Vineheart isn't as easy as I expected it to be. The schoolwork is lightening up, yes, but life in general is just getting worse. I feel like all the walls are closing in me and it's getting harder to breathe.

I've come to terms with the fact that I still miss him. I still miss Papa. I wish he was still here, telling me jokes and kissing the top of my head randomely like he used to. It hurts knowing he isn't here, and the anniversary of his death is coming up in a week or two. It seems like this year will be the hardest yet. Poor Mama, she's going insane and I know by her phone calls. I think I'm going to go home for the weekend of the anniversary to be with her, and for their wedding anniversary in March as well. I think she deserves a little bit of comfort in these hard times.

But it's not just problems with the past. Thoughts have struck me hard these last few weeks about my ascending to the throne. I know it'll be just a few years because I know Mama doesn't want the trouble anymore. I know she just wants to go somewhere on a vacation for a long time and just try to get over everything; she deserves that after all, with everything she's been through. And when I really think about it, I'm not so sure about being Queen. I'm scared. What if I don't make the right choices? It's not like I have any choice to be Queen or not, because I'm all Sweden has, and that frustrates me to no end. I want to be free, I want to be normal, but I can't do that to Sweden. I know my people need me, and I want to do what is best for them.

And then, I think, what if I don't find love? It won't be easy finding love, because of my throne situation. It's not like I can be arranged with any of the other nobles, nor can I really date any of them, and this really upsets me. My only way of marriage is probably some well-to-do guy in Sweden who has some sort of political power. But what if I don't want that? What if I fall in love while at Vineheart? I have before, at least I think I have. I don't know. I don't know if I have or if I haven't. I wish my heart could just tell me what I feel, because I'm getting tired of trying to decipher all the cryptic messages it sends me.

I just hope that whatever happens in the future, I'll be happy with it.

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[annalie katarina of sweden]

march fifteenth, 2011

Dear Diary,

Mama and Papa's anniversary is in a few days and I'm going to fly down to Sweden for the weekend to see Mama. She was a mess two weeks ago during Papa's anniversary of his death, and for the first time in forever I cried in front of her. She was surprised to see me so vulnerable, but I guess I've been hiding the pain all these years.

I think I'm really starting to get over Papa's death. While in Sweden during those few days I was home, I went to briefly see a therapist and just talk, and she talked me through everything. She said it was okay to still feel the pain, but that I need to let go of the grief in general if I want to move on and love again. She said it's okay to be afraid of losing someone, and we never actually lose them anyways -- they are always in our hearts. It sounded so cheesy and not good enough, but I've been mulling over it for the longest time and it's starting to make sense. I miss Papa with everything I have, but I know he loved me and he is watching over me, so I need to move on.

I've finally begun to reconnect with Bee again! I guess the last month or so I've been so wrapped up in personal issues that I haven't really paid attention to her, and we got some quality roomie time together! So happy :)

I've come to terms with the fact that life is always going to be confusing, but why not live it to the fullest anyways? It's my last year at Vineheart, I'll be Queen in five years or so, depending on how long Mama is willing to wait, and why shouldn't I have fun while I can? I'm now determined to make these last few months memorable.

I've got a long checklist of things to work through, in that case. I'll keep you updated on my progress!

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[annalie katarina of sweden]

june first, 2011

Dear Diary,

The end of the year is near, and the past couple of months have been really hard on me. Visiting Mama in Sweden was really difficult, as she was not in a good state. I don't expect her to ever move on completely, but seeing my mother so frazzled really upset me. She's always been the strong one, the one who always smiles and goes on the through the day. Let's just say it was a bit of a downward spiral for me. At least, until, I talked to Xavier about everything and he really seemed to help me out. He encouraged me to continue seeing the therapist (which I have been), and we talked about what happened in the past. I'm glad it's all cleared up now, and I'm glad I've made such a great friend in him.

The Rose Ball over the weekend wasn't what I expected it to be. I was nominated for the Court but didn't win, and that's okay. What really made it not as great as it could be was seeing Axel. The past two weeks I've been ignoring him because of our interesting date. He told me has feelings for me.

How was I supposed to react to that?

I didn't react well, honestly. I ran away, like an idiot. Why did I run away again, like I did with Xavier? Axel doesn't deserve that.

I know there is something there between us. I can feel it. It's something more, something I've never felt before but I just can't explain it. I'm scared, I guess. I don't want to lose him. I don't know, maybe I already have.

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[annalie katarina of sweden]

june twelfth, 2011

Dear Diary,

I've come to the conclusion that I can't runaway from my feelings anymore. And you should be proud of me, Papa, because I didn't.

Last night Pirzi, Marie, and I played a huge prank on the Kings. We locked them into the Biology classroom and totally ambushed them with silly string and cream. It was hilarious! I got a picture to prove it. But what happened afterwards is what is really surprising: Axel chased after me and we kissed. It was amazing. I honestly haven't felt anything like this in a while, even with Xavier it didn't feel this way. He asked me to be his girlfriend, and you know what I did? I accepted. I put aside my fears and accepted. I don't want to lose him, that's for certain, but he's made it clear he won't hurt me, and by giving me another chance, I know he won't.

Tonight we're going to the Kings and Queens party at the Riverbed, and it'll be the first official date and outing Axel and I will have as a couple. I'm kind of nervous because I haven't told anybody yet about he and I, not even Bethany. But then again, Bethany is acting strange. She will barely talk to me at all! I wish I knew what was wrong with her; maybe she is just stressed about the engagement? It doesn't mean she has to give me the cold shoulder though. Maybe she's just mad at Axel, and Axel was wrong in this case, but I know he'll try and work it out. They're siblings, they need to stick together.

I guess we'll find out how tonight goes, because Kris, Bethany, Axel, and I will all be there. Hopefully the tension will go away tonight, because honestly they're all I've got, and I hate seeing them all fight like this.

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[annalie katarina of sweden]

june thirteenth, 2011

Dear Diary,

It's been a VERY long night, but a success! Bethany and I made up, Kris and Axel made up, and all is well. :) Not to say that the Kings and Queens party wasn't full of drama, but it was. There was way too much drama, especially with that Leena girl and Aubrey. Glad I've made it out of Vineheart before I have to deal with more of THAT.

Anyways, I'm really happy I decided to go to the party with Axel, and I'm can't wait for graduation! It'll be bittersweet, of course, but I know I'll be near her next year since I'm attending the University of Montana with Axel. I'll be close to Bethany, so that's a definite plus!

Maybe things will turn out great after all?

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[annalie katarina of sweden]

june seventeenth, 2011

Dear Diary,

I'm officially graduated! I'm off to Sweden for a few days and then straight to Spain for Dante's Masquerade party with Axel. This summer is already looking up.

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[annalie katarina of sweden]

august first, 2011

Dear Diary,

This summer has been one I'll remember for the rest of my life. At Dante's party, Axel and I decided to go to Kenya this year for our annual summer trip with Bethany and Kris, and it was the trip of a lifetime. Really, it was. You want to know why? Because I told Axel I love him, and we slept together for the first time. I have no regrets, and it was perfect, the way it should be. I never thought I'd feel so whole and loved and amazing, but I do, and I can't even describe the happiness that I feel. It's like all of the sadness from the past year is gone.

It's weird, really. I feel like I've lived with a whole in my heart and soul for so long that nothing could fill it, but Axel makes me whole again. He makes me feel alive and beautiful and I know some people will just think that we're teenagers and that we don't know anything about love, but what I feel with him is real and special and I know it's not something silly and naive. I've felt this way about him for a long time, but never let it come full circle and deepen into love, but now I have and it's the best choice I ever made.

Nothing can make this unforgettable summer bad!

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[annalie katarina of sweden]

august twenty-ninth, 2011

Dear Diary,

I feel like everything is crashing down around me. I can't believe it, I can't believe this is happening.

I had to breakup with Axel. I have to married in two years, and I have to take the throne at 21. Why is my life spinning out of control?

Apparently, the Council wanted me to take the throne at 18, but since I'd still be enrolled at Vineheart at that time, she made a deal with them to wait until after graduation. Well, after graduation happened, and when the Council was looking to coronate me, my mother struck another deal with them. She wants me to experience university and all that life has to offer me before I have to take the throne, and so the only way I could continue to go to university is if I took the throne at 21. But that wasn't all: I have to be married by the time of my coronation. Ergo, I must be married either before or on my 21st birthday.

Which means Axel and I can't be together. He's first in line, I'm first in line, and both of us are taking the throne soon. I can't even describe how hollow and torn apart I feel right now. I feel like it's hard to breathe; like part of me is missing.

When I broke up with him, he offered to step down, but I just can't do that. I know it seems silly of me...but he shouldn't get wrapped up in a girl with as much problems as I have. Obviously the Council is going to control my life one way or another and I'm not dragging him into it, I just can't. He'll find a girl more deserving of him than I, I just know it. And in the meantime, I'll have to find a suitable husband...but I'm not sure if I can. No one can amount to Axel.

I feel numb.

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[annalie katarina of sweden]

september tenth, 2011

Dear Diary,

I've been forced to attend Stockholm University. The Council is pleased with my decision to break up with him. It's hard to sleep, and I'm not hungry. Mama and Girdi are worried about me, but I swear I'm fine. That's what I'm telling myself anyways.

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[annalie katarina of sweden]

september twenty-first, 2011

Dear Diary,

Xavier came to visit me this weekend. He practically forced himself into my room, all thanks to Girdi.

I know I've been locking myself away and pushing everyone out of my life. Xavier is right -- I didn't have to break up with Axel. I should have fought for him. But I made my decision, and I'm not going to hurt Axel anymore. My only consolation is that when I'm Queen, I'll get to make my own decisions, and the Council won't be able to control me as much anymore. I only hope that whoever I marry is a good man.

It's time I get things together and move on. It will take a while, but how can Axel move on if he sees that I haven't? I have to show everyone that I'm strong, even if I still feel like a piece of me has gone away. I need to call Bethany back, because I've been a horrible friend and haven't talked to her in six weeks. Six weeks. I miss my best friend, and quite frankly, I need her.

Girdi is worried for my health, but I don't know how to get out of this cloud. Xavier helped a lot, but it's going to take way more time.

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